Post by Daisuke on May 31, 2011 14:28:04 GMT -5
I've decided to show you guys how I went from total emo who didn't care about anything, to who I am today. It's a long story, but luckily, starting Junior Year, I kept a journal.
This is that journal. From Junior to Senior year. I have omitted any details that were not important(Like rambling about how bored I was, etc.)
I will end this with two stories. They are directly related to the two biggest focuses of this journal; Sylvia and Steph.
9/4/2008- First day of Junior Year.
First day of real school. Work, and whatnot. So far so good, teachers seem lax and easygoing. Which is good because I can't stand uptight people. Don't get me wrong, I hate carelessness, but too uptight and someone is just hard to deal with. Same with extremely immature people.
This girl in my math class keeps looking back at me. It's creeping me out.
9/8/2008
Back with Sylvia! Best news all month. I texted her in Study, but no reply. She probably didn't get it, I have no signal down here. Then again my school has a farm, so I can't ask for much. I get to make a video for a history project. Epic win!
9/10/2008
I proposed to Sylvia today. Sure, we've only been dating for 7 months, but we were friends for like 6 before that.
9/11/2008
Sylvia got grounded 'till Friday. She's also moving to Europe for school soon. It upsets me but it's her choice, so I can't say anything. It still sucks.
9/12/2008
Sylvia got her phone back, thank god. And i looked at my blood under a microscope today. It was gross. Today marks the best in-school weekend of my life. parents will be gone ALL WEEKEND!
9/15/2008
Sylvia's fucking with my head again. Already. I love her but I can't put up with this. I need her to stop, but I won't leave her. I know she's still the girl I met a while ago, I refuse to give up on this relationship.
9/16/2008
My original purpose for this log was to record changes in my class, but it's become my freakin' life story. ah well. So as it turns out, I'm highly dateable. Which confuses me consider my, er... Looks. Morgan, Sara, and Bri all confessed to me on the same day. But, I'm with Sylvia. So I had to say no. Still, that was a self-esteem boost I needed.
I'm just giving up. Every time i trust somebody new, it comes back to hurt me. In this case, i feel stupid.
Sylvias friends told me she got killed last night. I called numerous times, and they were crying every time. After about the 10th call, Sylvia answers. She was asleep and her friends stole her phone. I don't know why, but i actually believed them. I was crying, and shaking, and i didn't get any sleep. I don't know what to do because now i'm scared of her friends. I can't even call her without shaking anymore. I want to stay with her, but at the same tim, if that's how her friends are going to act towards me all the time i don't think i can. This isn't the first time something like this has happened either.
So, i refuse to trust anyone i don't already. I'm giving up on people, and ever finding truly good people. Sorry to those of you i may have offended. I just can't deal with that kind of stress. I still trust a lot of friends though.
9/25/2008
Well, I'm just as depressed and confused as yesterday. I can't do anything to figure this out. I don't even know what she said to me.
9/29/2008
Single again. Apparently her mom hates me. whatever, I'm not giving up. Finally have my own computer though, which means I can easily talk to her without her mom knowing.
I'm thinking of starting Sparrowton over. Just kind of gave up on it, just like everything else.
10/2/2008
I've decided to ask Sara out. I've told everyone of our joint friends to help me get her online tonight, because I never get to talk to her otherwise. It would be great if she wanted to, but knowing me, I'll fuck up somehow.
10/9/2008
Last day of exams. It wasn't like most tests though, where I had to try.They graded me. I half assed everything because it didn't affect my GPA. Sara has been unavailable for the entire month so far, so hopefully tonight is the night.
10/22/2008
I'm fucking sick of humanity.
12/8/2008
Been a while. New pen color, and new house with my own room. I started dating Sylvia's friend Amanda, then we broke up, and then Sara came back into my head. She just seems to pop up whenever I'm upset, comforts me nonstop, and then I end up falling for her. I hate humanity now, except for a few people. I refuse to make new friends, nobody is trustworthy.
2/12/2009
Times keep changing, and I keep forgetting to fucking update this log. I'm doing fine right now, but I do have relapses in depression. I hate it, I can't ever feel happy without something killing me inside. My next objective is to write Sparrowton again. I keep getting side-tracked.
3/12/2009- Last update of Junior Year
If I handed you my life and told you to make it better, you'd get frustrated and give up. I've got so much going for me right now. New girlfriend, ironic because she used to hate my guts. Her name is Stephanie. The best part is that I don't have to try. We're always in perfect symmetry with each other.
2/1/2010- First update of Senior year
Steph dumped me twice, Sylvia is on my mind again, Sara is a lost cause, but Sarah likes me. Lol, what? Anyway, you're probably wondering what happened to Sparrowton. It's been restarted again. I've made some great friend, whom I love dearly.
2/3/2010 Maybe I should invite someone over. Or, I could call everyone and chat for a few hours. God, I'm such a teenage girl sometimes. I both love it and hate it, but you know that story already.
2/3/2010
Today I wrote a poem. I ordinarily HATE my poetry, but I really liked this one, so I'll tape it to this page and show it off to the only two people I show this thing to.
Atop this hill
I see the world tonight
I watch as it drifts on
Those fools caught in blight
Do they fear the future?
Do they regret the past?
The only linger in the present
They dream merely to last
Those fools caught in trammel
They treasure not the day
For tonight they fight
They betray their heart's way
Hope is what they need
Love is what they seek
Those fools who give up
Needn't feel so very meek
They are the world
They shape those next days
Their actions speak tomorrow
For tonight they feel dazed
The reward for living
Is only satisfaction
To do more than you dreamed
That is to turn words to action
So stand up tonight
You fools lost to blight
Foolishness is temporary
But permanent is your might
The strength to move the world
The heart to see it through
Tonight you feel lost
But that strength lives in you
That keen eye to survive
May it keep you thinking high
Your clouded minds will show
The world with your help does grow
You are the the dreamers
You are the shapers
You are the mighty innovators
Use that willpower
Your strength is your tool
Show the world tonight
That you are not a fool.
3/1/2010
Things with Steph have closed. I've just learned that Sarah has had a crush on me since Sohphomore year.
I should make her stop waiting.
3/22/2010- First full Skade mode. Last entry.
I had a nightmare that Steph and Sylvia raped me while steph's new boyfriend watched, and then he killed me. I've told almost everyone this, but here's what they didn't hear; after I woke up, I immediately overdosed on caffeine and tylenol. I'm actually writing this while barely awake. I should go do something to wake up, since I'm in this kind of Skade mood right now, I think I'll go and break some trees with my bare fists. And yes, I DID STEAL MITHOS' DYING LINE.
The stories;
Georgia = Sylvia
Steph = Rose.
And yes, I did allude to Steph within the Sylvia story, with that final line.
This photo of mine reminds me a lot of who I used to be. That innocent boy, free of harm both emotional and physical. Before I put on this facade of a person to hide away from the world I so feared. I’d never imagined that, for any time, I would hide behind this mask of mine. I remember this photo’s meaning to me; Nothing. At least, back then. Now it bears the image of this person I wish I still was, and the me I can never be again. I put myself out too open, you see, and it created more trouble than I would ever want.
My life after this photo was nothing but being used. By friends, family, love, and so on. It became so routine that, to stop anyone from hurting me, I’d created this bubble of a new me, who never showed pain. I never allowed myself to. Though I did this to escape, it only hurt me more in the end. But I’ve become so lost to this mask that I don’t even remember who I was. Maybe there is no mask, after all. Maybe I’m just too young to accept life for what it is.
I guess I started thinking about this a few years ago. I’ve always wanted to understand adult life. People often tell me I grow up too fast. When they all saw me in my new suit, just a little too small, they agreed once more that I should slow down. That trouble making kid had vanished, and was replaced by the polar opposite of Peter Pan. I traced my history to this change in me way back when I first came to High School.
It all started in the January of 2007. I, the love struck child, had managed to find my way into a two year lie. The world was absent. All I gave a mind to was her. She went by Georgia, and as the name fit, she was the epitome of the southern style. Traditional blond hair, blue eyes, and short as the one bad corn husk. From dawn till dusk, my day was only made when she smiled. I’d thought it as pure a love as any.
Of course, that is what I thought, not her. Soon enough, her teen mentality and my wishing I was an adult had a skirmish. The thing about love, really, is that it can twist very rapidly into anger and any other mix of emotion. In those two years I was with her, I was plagued by all forms of mental assault. Friends of hers constantly called me, telling me all manner of things negative about myself. At one point, she had hidden while they told me she was hit by a car. Georgia herself had been drifting from close to distant, which kept me constantly alert and on my feet. Repeatedly I would find myself strained by insecurities.
It took her telling me personally for me to understand that she had intentionally done all of it. Every little bit of manipulation and mental abuse was staged from day one. It made me wish I could just die. Life, for me, was over.
I should thank her.
See, here’s another lesson I’ve learned from all this; Life is good and bad. If you can’t take bad moments like lessons, you may never discover what you really want. The most important moments in life are awful, and most of us don’t wish to deal with them. The short summary is this: Life is a beautiful melancholy. We learn, live, laugh, love, and lose. Then we do it all again, and thus life goes on. We gain lessons in failure, and pride in success. I’ve come to enjoy my life despite certain hardships.
This picture of Thursday, June of 2009, represents the past I’ve let educate me. That suit was not just for fun; it was a way to allow myself into adulthood. My childish self just a shadow of my inner desire. I’d kept these lessons close, and let them help me understand life. My insecurities remain, but a new courage to face them has been given to me as well.
Farewell, my shadow. You, who stand at the end of the path I chose not to follow. My life’s lesson from you was to remain true to my own ambitions. I will continue to choose this path. The photo may be recent, but it feels so distant all the same. It reminds me of those years long gone. I don’t even mind being used anymore. If I can save somebody, even in a manner such as this, so be it.
It’s true, that old line; “A rose by any other name smells just as sweet.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Punishment for a crime I did not commit is what I experienced in my restless dreams and waking nightmares. It is what I see daily when I realize The only one still feeling wronged is me. The feeling subsides when I am with friends, but resurfaces to plague me when alone, each and every time. Because of this, I dawned the mask. The mask that hides me from the world. The mask that keeps the pain out.
It began in July of the summer of 2009. My life, as I saw it, was perfect... Well, with the exception of being hated by her parents. That began because of an intimidation they pushed onto me by inviting me to their family only party, when I had not even so much as formally met her parents yet. I was overwhelmed and shut down, stayed quiet, and didn't do much.
And so it began. They thought I was antisocial, and a pervert for watching her hula hoop. The rest of the summer was attempts at seeing each other in secret; I was naive enough to assume it would work without a hitch, forgetting that her parents were like obsessive watching vultures. This carried on, as well as slyly placed remarks about myself from her, until early into my Senior year of High school.
Her name was rose, and as that name fit, she was a beauty that would sting worse than any other flower in the garden. A week before my eighteenth birthday came around, and thus began that week of torment. She had gone dress shopping with an ex-boyfriend, and they talked about their breakup. For the next week, she told me several times that she wasn't sure if she loved me, and that he may have been better for her.
He was trash, too. Utter trash. One of the lowest of human beings I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. And yet, she chose him over me. On my birthday. Through an E-mail.
There was no heart to be broken at that point. It was so far from even there that I couldn't stomach it. I cast my heart aside, vowing I would never let it be hurt again. And so I dawned another mask. The mask that killed my heart. The mask that made me lifeless.
It was not even a week later that she realized her mistake. She came to me, and we kissed once while she was still with him. After that, she left him for me. All was well, except for one thing; I couldn't get rid of the masks. She thought I was a better person now though. She thought I was more of a man than ever now, and wasn't sure what to say.
So I said it first.
"Will you marry me?"
And with that sentence, I ruined any bit of myself there was left. She said yes, I gave her a ring, and one missing innocence afterward, in January, she left me again. This time though, she and I continued under the guise 'Friends with benefits' in secret. It was wrong of me to even so much as guess at a happy ending by now. I had abandoned hope of that long ago.
A friend's birthday party came up, and I was ready to go. Reference the story by Lilly McCaulley, titled "For Brother" to hear about this party.
After this, she left me for another former friend, and almost as much of a worthless individual as the former man she left me for. Six years, I had been in love with this girl. Six years, I did nothing but what she wanted me to. Six years, I was her tool.
That kind of torment left me with the desire to do everything for everyone, and completely ignore myself. For any time I tried to be myself or do things for myself, I would be tormented for ages afterward. I had given up. There was nothing left but faces that weren't mine, and days of a person that wasn't me using my body to fulfill everyone's requests.
I was everyone's tool now.
The days grew longer, as the winter was almost over. In that winter season, she killed me. My rose was my downfall, and my heart was nowhere to be found.
And now, on this day, one year to the day after she and I began to date, I am still not me. I don't know what me is anymore. Maybe this is me after all. The only thing I know for certain is this:
Whoever you are, and whatever you need, I will not hesitate to help you achieve it. I am not a tool anymore; I'm a martyr. And this martyr has decided consciously, for the first time in his life that he has made a choice, to be this way. It was not forced on him. This is his life, and how he wants to live it.
His logic is this; His happiness is always destroyed. Why be happy? Why not use his time and resources making someone else happy? And in doing so, he discovered that making others happy, actually makes him happy as well.
He also fell for a maiden in black, whom he hopes things will work out with. After all, she was waiting for him for the entire year he was with the evil Rose.
I leave you with one final note; This is your martyr, and your hero. Your go-to for everything. Your iron wall to hold secrets. Your always available comfort zone. This is me to the world, and I promise it love. No matter the person or place, I am always there to aid. I am forever the world's martyr, if they wish.
This is that journal. From Junior to Senior year. I have omitted any details that were not important(Like rambling about how bored I was, etc.)
I will end this with two stories. They are directly related to the two biggest focuses of this journal; Sylvia and Steph.
9/4/2008- First day of Junior Year.
First day of real school. Work, and whatnot. So far so good, teachers seem lax and easygoing. Which is good because I can't stand uptight people. Don't get me wrong, I hate carelessness, but too uptight and someone is just hard to deal with. Same with extremely immature people.
This girl in my math class keeps looking back at me. It's creeping me out.
9/8/2008
Back with Sylvia! Best news all month. I texted her in Study, but no reply. She probably didn't get it, I have no signal down here. Then again my school has a farm, so I can't ask for much. I get to make a video for a history project. Epic win!
9/10/2008
I proposed to Sylvia today. Sure, we've only been dating for 7 months, but we were friends for like 6 before that.
9/11/2008
Sylvia got grounded 'till Friday. She's also moving to Europe for school soon. It upsets me but it's her choice, so I can't say anything. It still sucks.
9/12/2008
Sylvia got her phone back, thank god. And i looked at my blood under a microscope today. It was gross. Today marks the best in-school weekend of my life. parents will be gone ALL WEEKEND!
9/15/2008
Sylvia's fucking with my head again. Already. I love her but I can't put up with this. I need her to stop, but I won't leave her. I know she's still the girl I met a while ago, I refuse to give up on this relationship.
9/16/2008
My original purpose for this log was to record changes in my class, but it's become my freakin' life story. ah well. So as it turns out, I'm highly dateable. Which confuses me consider my, er... Looks. Morgan, Sara, and Bri all confessed to me on the same day. But, I'm with Sylvia. So I had to say no. Still, that was a self-esteem boost I needed.
I'm just giving up. Every time i trust somebody new, it comes back to hurt me. In this case, i feel stupid.
Sylvias friends told me she got killed last night. I called numerous times, and they were crying every time. After about the 10th call, Sylvia answers. She was asleep and her friends stole her phone. I don't know why, but i actually believed them. I was crying, and shaking, and i didn't get any sleep. I don't know what to do because now i'm scared of her friends. I can't even call her without shaking anymore. I want to stay with her, but at the same tim, if that's how her friends are going to act towards me all the time i don't think i can. This isn't the first time something like this has happened either.
So, i refuse to trust anyone i don't already. I'm giving up on people, and ever finding truly good people. Sorry to those of you i may have offended. I just can't deal with that kind of stress. I still trust a lot of friends though.
9/25/2008
Well, I'm just as depressed and confused as yesterday. I can't do anything to figure this out. I don't even know what she said to me.
9/29/2008
Single again. Apparently her mom hates me. whatever, I'm not giving up. Finally have my own computer though, which means I can easily talk to her without her mom knowing.
I'm thinking of starting Sparrowton over. Just kind of gave up on it, just like everything else.
10/2/2008
I've decided to ask Sara out. I've told everyone of our joint friends to help me get her online tonight, because I never get to talk to her otherwise. It would be great if she wanted to, but knowing me, I'll fuck up somehow.
10/9/2008
Last day of exams. It wasn't like most tests though, where I had to try.
10/22/2008
I'm fucking sick of humanity.
12/8/2008
Been a while. New pen color, and new house with my own room. I started dating Sylvia's friend Amanda, then we broke up, and then Sara came back into my head. She just seems to pop up whenever I'm upset, comforts me nonstop, and then I end up falling for her. I hate humanity now, except for a few people. I refuse to make new friends, nobody is trustworthy.
2/12/2009
Times keep changing, and I keep forgetting to fucking update this log. I'm doing fine right now, but I do have relapses in depression. I hate it, I can't ever feel happy without something killing me inside. My next objective is to write Sparrowton again. I keep getting side-tracked.
3/12/2009- Last update of Junior Year
If I handed you my life and told you to make it better, you'd get frustrated and give up. I've got so much going for me right now. New girlfriend, ironic because she used to hate my guts. Her name is Stephanie. The best part is that I don't have to try. We're always in perfect symmetry with each other.
2/1/2010- First update of Senior year
Steph dumped me twice, Sylvia is on my mind again, Sara is a lost cause, but Sarah likes me. Lol, what? Anyway, you're probably wondering what happened to Sparrowton. It's been restarted again. I've made some great friend, whom I love dearly.
2/3/2010 Maybe I should invite someone over. Or, I could call everyone and chat for a few hours. God, I'm such a teenage girl sometimes. I both love it and hate it, but you know that story already.
2/3/2010
Today I wrote a poem. I ordinarily HATE my poetry, but I really liked this one, so I'll tape it to this page and show it off to the only two people I show this thing to.
Atop this hill
I see the world tonight
I watch as it drifts on
Those fools caught in blight
Do they fear the future?
Do they regret the past?
The only linger in the present
They dream merely to last
Those fools caught in trammel
They treasure not the day
For tonight they fight
They betray their heart's way
Hope is what they need
Love is what they seek
Those fools who give up
Needn't feel so very meek
They are the world
They shape those next days
Their actions speak tomorrow
For tonight they feel dazed
The reward for living
Is only satisfaction
To do more than you dreamed
That is to turn words to action
So stand up tonight
You fools lost to blight
Foolishness is temporary
But permanent is your might
The strength to move the world
The heart to see it through
Tonight you feel lost
But that strength lives in you
That keen eye to survive
May it keep you thinking high
Your clouded minds will show
The world with your help does grow
You are the the dreamers
You are the shapers
You are the mighty innovators
Use that willpower
Your strength is your tool
Show the world tonight
That you are not a fool.
3/1/2010
Things with Steph have closed. I've just learned that Sarah has had a crush on me since Sohphomore year.
I should make her stop waiting.
3/22/2010- First full Skade mode. Last entry.
I had a nightmare that Steph and Sylvia raped me while steph's new boyfriend watched, and then he killed me. I've told almost everyone this, but here's what they didn't hear; after I woke up, I immediately overdosed on caffeine and tylenol. I'm actually writing this while barely awake. I should go do something to wake up, since I'm in this kind of Skade mood right now, I think I'll go and break some trees with my bare fists. And yes, I DID STEAL MITHOS' DYING LINE.
The stories;
Georgia = Sylvia
Steph = Rose.
And yes, I did allude to Steph within the Sylvia story, with that final line.
This photo of mine reminds me a lot of who I used to be. That innocent boy, free of harm both emotional and physical. Before I put on this facade of a person to hide away from the world I so feared. I’d never imagined that, for any time, I would hide behind this mask of mine. I remember this photo’s meaning to me; Nothing. At least, back then. Now it bears the image of this person I wish I still was, and the me I can never be again. I put myself out too open, you see, and it created more trouble than I would ever want.
My life after this photo was nothing but being used. By friends, family, love, and so on. It became so routine that, to stop anyone from hurting me, I’d created this bubble of a new me, who never showed pain. I never allowed myself to. Though I did this to escape, it only hurt me more in the end. But I’ve become so lost to this mask that I don’t even remember who I was. Maybe there is no mask, after all. Maybe I’m just too young to accept life for what it is.
I guess I started thinking about this a few years ago. I’ve always wanted to understand adult life. People often tell me I grow up too fast. When they all saw me in my new suit, just a little too small, they agreed once more that I should slow down. That trouble making kid had vanished, and was replaced by the polar opposite of Peter Pan. I traced my history to this change in me way back when I first came to High School.
It all started in the January of 2007. I, the love struck child, had managed to find my way into a two year lie. The world was absent. All I gave a mind to was her. She went by Georgia, and as the name fit, she was the epitome of the southern style. Traditional blond hair, blue eyes, and short as the one bad corn husk. From dawn till dusk, my day was only made when she smiled. I’d thought it as pure a love as any.
Of course, that is what I thought, not her. Soon enough, her teen mentality and my wishing I was an adult had a skirmish. The thing about love, really, is that it can twist very rapidly into anger and any other mix of emotion. In those two years I was with her, I was plagued by all forms of mental assault. Friends of hers constantly called me, telling me all manner of things negative about myself. At one point, she had hidden while they told me she was hit by a car. Georgia herself had been drifting from close to distant, which kept me constantly alert and on my feet. Repeatedly I would find myself strained by insecurities.
It took her telling me personally for me to understand that she had intentionally done all of it. Every little bit of manipulation and mental abuse was staged from day one. It made me wish I could just die. Life, for me, was over.
I should thank her.
See, here’s another lesson I’ve learned from all this; Life is good and bad. If you can’t take bad moments like lessons, you may never discover what you really want. The most important moments in life are awful, and most of us don’t wish to deal with them. The short summary is this: Life is a beautiful melancholy. We learn, live, laugh, love, and lose. Then we do it all again, and thus life goes on. We gain lessons in failure, and pride in success. I’ve come to enjoy my life despite certain hardships.
This picture of Thursday, June of 2009, represents the past I’ve let educate me. That suit was not just for fun; it was a way to allow myself into adulthood. My childish self just a shadow of my inner desire. I’d kept these lessons close, and let them help me understand life. My insecurities remain, but a new courage to face them has been given to me as well.
Farewell, my shadow. You, who stand at the end of the path I chose not to follow. My life’s lesson from you was to remain true to my own ambitions. I will continue to choose this path. The photo may be recent, but it feels so distant all the same. It reminds me of those years long gone. I don’t even mind being used anymore. If I can save somebody, even in a manner such as this, so be it.
It’s true, that old line; “A rose by any other name smells just as sweet.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Punishment for a crime I did not commit is what I experienced in my restless dreams and waking nightmares. It is what I see daily when I realize The only one still feeling wronged is me. The feeling subsides when I am with friends, but resurfaces to plague me when alone, each and every time. Because of this, I dawned the mask. The mask that hides me from the world. The mask that keeps the pain out.
It began in July of the summer of 2009. My life, as I saw it, was perfect... Well, with the exception of being hated by her parents. That began because of an intimidation they pushed onto me by inviting me to their family only party, when I had not even so much as formally met her parents yet. I was overwhelmed and shut down, stayed quiet, and didn't do much.
And so it began. They thought I was antisocial, and a pervert for watching her hula hoop. The rest of the summer was attempts at seeing each other in secret; I was naive enough to assume it would work without a hitch, forgetting that her parents were like obsessive watching vultures. This carried on, as well as slyly placed remarks about myself from her, until early into my Senior year of High school.
Her name was rose, and as that name fit, she was a beauty that would sting worse than any other flower in the garden. A week before my eighteenth birthday came around, and thus began that week of torment. She had gone dress shopping with an ex-boyfriend, and they talked about their breakup. For the next week, she told me several times that she wasn't sure if she loved me, and that he may have been better for her.
He was trash, too. Utter trash. One of the lowest of human beings I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. And yet, she chose him over me. On my birthday. Through an E-mail.
There was no heart to be broken at that point. It was so far from even there that I couldn't stomach it. I cast my heart aside, vowing I would never let it be hurt again. And so I dawned another mask. The mask that killed my heart. The mask that made me lifeless.
It was not even a week later that she realized her mistake. She came to me, and we kissed once while she was still with him. After that, she left him for me. All was well, except for one thing; I couldn't get rid of the masks. She thought I was a better person now though. She thought I was more of a man than ever now, and wasn't sure what to say.
So I said it first.
"Will you marry me?"
And with that sentence, I ruined any bit of myself there was left. She said yes, I gave her a ring, and one missing innocence afterward, in January, she left me again. This time though, she and I continued under the guise 'Friends with benefits' in secret. It was wrong of me to even so much as guess at a happy ending by now. I had abandoned hope of that long ago.
A friend's birthday party came up, and I was ready to go. Reference the story by Lilly McCaulley, titled "For Brother" to hear about this party.
After this, she left me for another former friend, and almost as much of a worthless individual as the former man she left me for. Six years, I had been in love with this girl. Six years, I did nothing but what she wanted me to. Six years, I was her tool.
That kind of torment left me with the desire to do everything for everyone, and completely ignore myself. For any time I tried to be myself or do things for myself, I would be tormented for ages afterward. I had given up. There was nothing left but faces that weren't mine, and days of a person that wasn't me using my body to fulfill everyone's requests.
I was everyone's tool now.
The days grew longer, as the winter was almost over. In that winter season, she killed me. My rose was my downfall, and my heart was nowhere to be found.
And now, on this day, one year to the day after she and I began to date, I am still not me. I don't know what me is anymore. Maybe this is me after all. The only thing I know for certain is this:
Whoever you are, and whatever you need, I will not hesitate to help you achieve it. I am not a tool anymore; I'm a martyr. And this martyr has decided consciously, for the first time in his life that he has made a choice, to be this way. It was not forced on him. This is his life, and how he wants to live it.
His logic is this; His happiness is always destroyed. Why be happy? Why not use his time and resources making someone else happy? And in doing so, he discovered that making others happy, actually makes him happy as well.
He also fell for a maiden in black, whom he hopes things will work out with. After all, she was waiting for him for the entire year he was with the evil Rose.
I leave you with one final note; This is your martyr, and your hero. Your go-to for everything. Your iron wall to hold secrets. Your always available comfort zone. This is me to the world, and I promise it love. No matter the person or place, I am always there to aid. I am forever the world's martyr, if they wish.