Post by Daisuke on Jan 24, 2011 12:58:31 GMT -5
For those of you who are curious about me in a bad mood, I had this dream last night. I have changed the names of everyone involved, and edited it heavily. Also, a few themes you will notice about my dreams:
They always depict me as missing my left eye, and having an eye patch over it.
I am always in that outfit in dreams.
Skade is depicted as an emotion, which is how I got the concept for him in the first place.
Now, if you're wondering "How could you ever do that to someone?!", Well it goes like this:
"Rose" is what you would call an evil ex. She is the reason for a LOT of my insecurity and almost ALL of my trust issues. I'll leave it at that, and please, no questions on the subject? Thank you. I'll tell you more of that story much later. But for now... Yes, this is exactly how I get when I am in what I call "Full Skade" mood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It began quietly. My afternoon was boring, consisting of my usual web monitoring, writing, and video games. It was early, roughly 2 in the afternoon, and I was wide awake for once. I could tell today would be different the moment I woke up, because I required no caffeine to wake up. No stretching, no yawning... Just woke up. When I heard my phone ring, I thought silently "here we go again".
It was a number I wasn't expecting. It was HER number. Rose. I was instantly paralyzed in a mix of anger and nostalgia, the mixture of which I hope you never experience for yourself. But, I was not above answering the phone for her just because of the past. Maybe she had something good to say, after all. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry for what I've done". Instead, I heard an invitation.
"I know you hate me, but I want you to come to this party I'm having for a friend we have in common. I promise I won't get in your way there." she began.
"And you expect me to go, why?"
"Because," there was a pause, possibly of her in thought, and then, "The people want to learn how to use weapons. You and Chris would be perfect to come, please?" It was almost in a whining, pleading tone, which sickened me to hear from her. It was then that I felt the beginnings of it. That deep, lingering feeling I always held, which called out to me in times of anger. It was my escape from reality, my absolute way out of a bad situation, to allow that lingering feeling to take hold. But no, not today. Today, I face it head on.
"Sure. If you're lucky, I'll teach you, too." I replied.
"Thank you. And Lyon?"
"What?"
"... Sorry." She hung up. I spent about half an hour getting dressed for the party. It wouldn't have taken so long if I weren't also getting my fighting gear ready. I told Chris he was coming and had no choice, and to also get equipped. I didn't tell him who would be there. Though he did question me for a bit, I managed to evade any accusations. The time was three in the afternoon now, and we were already on our way. On the ride, we went over battle plans, which was our word of the day for any random activity. Generally, we were how we always were. Stupid.
As we arrived, there was a sight to behold. The party was held in a residence at the bottom of a hill, with a trampoline, a pool, and several people I had never met before. As I began to enter the building, who else but Rose greeted me? Chris was not amused, nor was I.
"Glad you came."
"It wasn't for you. Who wanted to learn?"
"Everyone who is in the backyard right now." She was more upset in the last sentence, probably because I snapped at her the moment she popped up. I took my small pleasure in this, and headed to the backyard without a word more to her, or anyone else. Chris followed, and as I presume was giving everyone his usual Chris hospitality. Saying hello, being typically friendly to everybody, and so forth. When we reached the backyard we found four teens, one of which I knew as the mutual friend that was mentioned.
With them were three others, whom I did not know, and as it seemed, the only person attending this party prior to myself and Chris that I knew and liked, was this mutual friend. They were all slightly shocked by my outfit. All black, with a long scarf covering my mouth, an eye patch, and several weapons adorning my person. I knew then, that these people must have heard about me from Rose. They were all silent for a moment, until one of them broke the ice.
"So, you can teach us real weapon stuff?"
"Styles. And yes. First lesson; Don't piss me off." I replied. Chris nodded in agreement. All of them seemed intimidated, which I was confused about because I was never an intimidating person. I only found out shortly after the party that I had been clenching my fists the entire time, and that my expression was generally named "eyes of a killer" by the populous. For good reason, too; The eyes of a killer were very scary. I wasn't aware I could even make that face, until I was told so.
"Next lesson..."
The time skipped ahead to a scene in the pool. I'm not sure how training went. I was personally not swimming; instead, I found myself a seat on deck, and watched others. There were far less people at the party now than before. I was rather happy about it, since I hated big gatherings. Rose, to my dismay, was still here. She was swimming right in front of me, continually looking back at me as if she expected me to say something. She had a genuine look of sorrow to her.
I was sick of her stalking me today.
"Alright, I'll bit. What the Hell did you really invite me here for?"
It was obvious to me from the moment I walked in that she didn't want me here as entertainment. All of the day's fighting had really boiled up the fire inside me. That unquenchable flame, that wanted only to bring destruction.
"Can we talk in private?" she asked. I just nodded and got up, taking a note to myself to go back to the backyard where the weapons were, in case this situation got strange. Some call it overcautious. I called it overcautious, too, but I'm sure somebody calls it something else. I started doing a few practice swings with a rapier, to burn off the mood I was in. It wasn't working very well, especially when Rose came by to talk.
"Alright, I'll explain everything." she began. I just crossed my arms and waited.
"I'm sorry, Lyon. I didn't even think about what happened between us. I hated thinking about the past, and I never cared about who I hurt. But, recently, someone did to me what I did to you. I never realized how much it hurt. I never even cared, until I knew what it was like."
There was a moment. Just one tiny moment, that I felt sorry for her. It passed when I remembered how Kama worked, though, and I gave her the most monotone sounding "And?"
She shook a little. "And? And I finally get it! I'm trying so hard not to cry here, I just wanted to apologize and hope maybe we could, you know... Go back."
"Go back?" I repeated. I was not amused. My blood was beginning to boil, and I could feel the process of which that unquenchable fire came to life. Convert anger to adrenaline. Fill all endorphins. Start seeing in blurs. Start speaking in slurs. I knew what was coming. I fought back internally. Nothing but bad could come of that.
"Yes, go back. Now that I know how it is, I feel like we would be able to really go this distance this time. Think about it. Azalia, Ireland, all of that. We always talked about it, remember?"
Te fire was growing. Apparently I visibly grew scarier. I'm not sure how that works, but it was starting to scare her.
"And you really think the past justifies this? Really?" I asked. I could feel a moisture in my hands. I recognized it later as blood, from squeezing my hands shut too tightly.
"I don't care about the past! I know that we can do this right this time!"
And that's where I lost control. No, it was more like I allowed the fire to burn. Which, I guess, must have made it burn brighter. I laughed. Not a normal laugh. A sadistic laugh, that was slurred. I can't describe it.
"How does it feel to want?" I said, taking up one of my knives and spinning it in my hand. I started to walk around her in circles, just laughing and laughing that same laugh.
"Karma hit you, and now you're sorry? Now you want it to be fixed?" I spoke these words in an innocent, childish tone. The knife was thrown from behind her, missing her completely, but close enough to be heard whizzing past her. She was too scared to scream.
"You really believe that I would let myself fall victim to a monster like you? That I would let a succubus take me in and kill me from the inside out again? What world are you living in?"
"B-but... Lyon..."
I handed her a weapon. "No buts. If you want it that, bad, you need to learn about how I have changed in that time. You need to know, the new me."
She hesitantly took the sword I had given her, and shook violently. It seemed I was more intimidating that I'd ever thought I was. Then again, this was the absolute most I had ever gone Skade.
"Do you know how it feels to not trust anyone anymore?" I slashed vertically at her, which came too quickly for her to dodge, so she tried blocking it only to have the weapon torn from her hand. I gave her time to pick it up.
"Do you know what it's like to never be able to dream of anything but how it used to be? To know that you were used, and that there's no way to ever be okay again?" My voice this entire time was eerily calm. Calmer than it had ever been. I held her in a blade lock.
"You created this monster. It's all your fault. How does it feel to know that?"
Slash. Right in the arm. Thankfully, all the weapons were for sparring and not real. She was almost crying, and I was too far gone to care.
"That blood is on your hands. How does it feel, being rejected? Being used? Being torn from your own security by someone else's little game?"
I slashed and missed, hitting the large cinder blocks next to us. My hand started bleeding, but I was too far gone to care. The smell of blood intensified the situation.
"It hurts, doesn't it? How badly does it hurt? Do you cry yourself to sleep?"
"Stop..."
"Until your eyes bleed, do you cry thinking about it?"
"Stop, please!"
"That's right. You brought it upon yourself. At the end of it all, you reap what you sew. I bet it's terrible to feel, finally having your sins catch up to you." I laughed again, walking behind her, leaning on her back, and laughing all the while.
"The weight of your sins getting too heavy, you monster? You feel like giving up?"
"Stop!!"
"Oh, no no no no no. You need to know what you've done. If you ever hope to be anything more than a slime ball on the sidewalk, you need this. Maturity doesn't come from understanding, it comes from learning! You don't care about the past?" I laughed more. "You haven't learned anything. You say you understand me, but you don't care about the past. The past MADE this. You made this. It's only in the past that you'll really grasp what you've done!"
She collapsed from the smell of blood, and all the mental abuse. I was too far gone to care.
As I sat there, waiting for her to wake up, I thought to myself about what had just happened. She got what she deserved, finally. She only deserved that lecture, though. Even she wasn't awful enough to deserve the punishment she got.
I left my eye patch by her side, and began walking off, the scar where my eye was now plainly visible, so I moved my hair in front of it to cover it up.
"Sleep tight. Maybe you'll actually learn your lesson this time."
They always depict me as missing my left eye, and having an eye patch over it.
I am always in that outfit in dreams.
Skade is depicted as an emotion, which is how I got the concept for him in the first place.
Now, if you're wondering "How could you ever do that to someone?!", Well it goes like this:
"Rose" is what you would call an evil ex. She is the reason for a LOT of my insecurity and almost ALL of my trust issues. I'll leave it at that, and please, no questions on the subject? Thank you. I'll tell you more of that story much later. But for now... Yes, this is exactly how I get when I am in what I call "Full Skade" mood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It began quietly. My afternoon was boring, consisting of my usual web monitoring, writing, and video games. It was early, roughly 2 in the afternoon, and I was wide awake for once. I could tell today would be different the moment I woke up, because I required no caffeine to wake up. No stretching, no yawning... Just woke up. When I heard my phone ring, I thought silently "here we go again".
It was a number I wasn't expecting. It was HER number. Rose. I was instantly paralyzed in a mix of anger and nostalgia, the mixture of which I hope you never experience for yourself. But, I was not above answering the phone for her just because of the past. Maybe she had something good to say, after all. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry for what I've done". Instead, I heard an invitation.
"I know you hate me, but I want you to come to this party I'm having for a friend we have in common. I promise I won't get in your way there." she began.
"And you expect me to go, why?"
"Because," there was a pause, possibly of her in thought, and then, "The people want to learn how to use weapons. You and Chris would be perfect to come, please?" It was almost in a whining, pleading tone, which sickened me to hear from her. It was then that I felt the beginnings of it. That deep, lingering feeling I always held, which called out to me in times of anger. It was my escape from reality, my absolute way out of a bad situation, to allow that lingering feeling to take hold. But no, not today. Today, I face it head on.
"Sure. If you're lucky, I'll teach you, too." I replied.
"Thank you. And Lyon?"
"What?"
"... Sorry." She hung up. I spent about half an hour getting dressed for the party. It wouldn't have taken so long if I weren't also getting my fighting gear ready. I told Chris he was coming and had no choice, and to also get equipped. I didn't tell him who would be there. Though he did question me for a bit, I managed to evade any accusations. The time was three in the afternoon now, and we were already on our way. On the ride, we went over battle plans, which was our word of the day for any random activity. Generally, we were how we always were. Stupid.
As we arrived, there was a sight to behold. The party was held in a residence at the bottom of a hill, with a trampoline, a pool, and several people I had never met before. As I began to enter the building, who else but Rose greeted me? Chris was not amused, nor was I.
"Glad you came."
"It wasn't for you. Who wanted to learn?"
"Everyone who is in the backyard right now." She was more upset in the last sentence, probably because I snapped at her the moment she popped up. I took my small pleasure in this, and headed to the backyard without a word more to her, or anyone else. Chris followed, and as I presume was giving everyone his usual Chris hospitality. Saying hello, being typically friendly to everybody, and so forth. When we reached the backyard we found four teens, one of which I knew as the mutual friend that was mentioned.
With them were three others, whom I did not know, and as it seemed, the only person attending this party prior to myself and Chris that I knew and liked, was this mutual friend. They were all slightly shocked by my outfit. All black, with a long scarf covering my mouth, an eye patch, and several weapons adorning my person. I knew then, that these people must have heard about me from Rose. They were all silent for a moment, until one of them broke the ice.
"So, you can teach us real weapon stuff?"
"Styles. And yes. First lesson; Don't piss me off." I replied. Chris nodded in agreement. All of them seemed intimidated, which I was confused about because I was never an intimidating person. I only found out shortly after the party that I had been clenching my fists the entire time, and that my expression was generally named "eyes of a killer" by the populous. For good reason, too; The eyes of a killer were very scary. I wasn't aware I could even make that face, until I was told so.
"Next lesson..."
The time skipped ahead to a scene in the pool. I'm not sure how training went. I was personally not swimming; instead, I found myself a seat on deck, and watched others. There were far less people at the party now than before. I was rather happy about it, since I hated big gatherings. Rose, to my dismay, was still here. She was swimming right in front of me, continually looking back at me as if she expected me to say something. She had a genuine look of sorrow to her.
I was sick of her stalking me today.
"Alright, I'll bit. What the Hell did you really invite me here for?"
It was obvious to me from the moment I walked in that she didn't want me here as entertainment. All of the day's fighting had really boiled up the fire inside me. That unquenchable flame, that wanted only to bring destruction.
"Can we talk in private?" she asked. I just nodded and got up, taking a note to myself to go back to the backyard where the weapons were, in case this situation got strange. Some call it overcautious. I called it overcautious, too, but I'm sure somebody calls it something else. I started doing a few practice swings with a rapier, to burn off the mood I was in. It wasn't working very well, especially when Rose came by to talk.
"Alright, I'll explain everything." she began. I just crossed my arms and waited.
"I'm sorry, Lyon. I didn't even think about what happened between us. I hated thinking about the past, and I never cared about who I hurt. But, recently, someone did to me what I did to you. I never realized how much it hurt. I never even cared, until I knew what it was like."
There was a moment. Just one tiny moment, that I felt sorry for her. It passed when I remembered how Kama worked, though, and I gave her the most monotone sounding "And?"
She shook a little. "And? And I finally get it! I'm trying so hard not to cry here, I just wanted to apologize and hope maybe we could, you know... Go back."
"Go back?" I repeated. I was not amused. My blood was beginning to boil, and I could feel the process of which that unquenchable fire came to life. Convert anger to adrenaline. Fill all endorphins. Start seeing in blurs. Start speaking in slurs. I knew what was coming. I fought back internally. Nothing but bad could come of that.
"Yes, go back. Now that I know how it is, I feel like we would be able to really go this distance this time. Think about it. Azalia, Ireland, all of that. We always talked about it, remember?"
Te fire was growing. Apparently I visibly grew scarier. I'm not sure how that works, but it was starting to scare her.
"And you really think the past justifies this? Really?" I asked. I could feel a moisture in my hands. I recognized it later as blood, from squeezing my hands shut too tightly.
"I don't care about the past! I know that we can do this right this time!"
And that's where I lost control. No, it was more like I allowed the fire to burn. Which, I guess, must have made it burn brighter. I laughed. Not a normal laugh. A sadistic laugh, that was slurred. I can't describe it.
"How does it feel to want?" I said, taking up one of my knives and spinning it in my hand. I started to walk around her in circles, just laughing and laughing that same laugh.
"Karma hit you, and now you're sorry? Now you want it to be fixed?" I spoke these words in an innocent, childish tone. The knife was thrown from behind her, missing her completely, but close enough to be heard whizzing past her. She was too scared to scream.
"You really believe that I would let myself fall victim to a monster like you? That I would let a succubus take me in and kill me from the inside out again? What world are you living in?"
"B-but... Lyon..."
I handed her a weapon. "No buts. If you want it that, bad, you need to learn about how I have changed in that time. You need to know, the new me."
She hesitantly took the sword I had given her, and shook violently. It seemed I was more intimidating that I'd ever thought I was. Then again, this was the absolute most I had ever gone Skade.
"Do you know how it feels to not trust anyone anymore?" I slashed vertically at her, which came too quickly for her to dodge, so she tried blocking it only to have the weapon torn from her hand. I gave her time to pick it up.
"Do you know what it's like to never be able to dream of anything but how it used to be? To know that you were used, and that there's no way to ever be okay again?" My voice this entire time was eerily calm. Calmer than it had ever been. I held her in a blade lock.
"You created this monster. It's all your fault. How does it feel to know that?"
Slash. Right in the arm. Thankfully, all the weapons were for sparring and not real. She was almost crying, and I was too far gone to care.
"That blood is on your hands. How does it feel, being rejected? Being used? Being torn from your own security by someone else's little game?"
I slashed and missed, hitting the large cinder blocks next to us. My hand started bleeding, but I was too far gone to care. The smell of blood intensified the situation.
"It hurts, doesn't it? How badly does it hurt? Do you cry yourself to sleep?"
"Stop..."
"Until your eyes bleed, do you cry thinking about it?"
"Stop, please!"
"That's right. You brought it upon yourself. At the end of it all, you reap what you sew. I bet it's terrible to feel, finally having your sins catch up to you." I laughed again, walking behind her, leaning on her back, and laughing all the while.
"The weight of your sins getting too heavy, you monster? You feel like giving up?"
"Stop!!"
"Oh, no no no no no. You need to know what you've done. If you ever hope to be anything more than a slime ball on the sidewalk, you need this. Maturity doesn't come from understanding, it comes from learning! You don't care about the past?" I laughed more. "You haven't learned anything. You say you understand me, but you don't care about the past. The past MADE this. You made this. It's only in the past that you'll really grasp what you've done!"
She collapsed from the smell of blood, and all the mental abuse. I was too far gone to care.
As I sat there, waiting for her to wake up, I thought to myself about what had just happened. She got what she deserved, finally. She only deserved that lecture, though. Even she wasn't awful enough to deserve the punishment she got.
I left my eye patch by her side, and began walking off, the scar where my eye was now plainly visible, so I moved my hair in front of it to cover it up.
"Sleep tight. Maybe you'll actually learn your lesson this time."